Life choices

I don't know what I want, I'm not even sure I know all that I don't want!

It's hard seeing most of your friends married and some with kids. Even worst when they keep asking or suggest a fix-up. I made my choices in the past and I don't regret them. I am a firm believer you should not regret your decisions. When one takes a decision, one does it for a reason, a reason that is the most valid and makes most sense AT THAT TIME. There is no point in looking back and then saying "If I had known...". Particularly because, even "if you knew", the story could have still been different from what you'd like it to be. One just can't imagine their alternative life story based on a decision made at one point in time. That only happens on films!

A few years ago, whilst some of my friends focused on their relationships, I focused on my studies and my career. One time I blocked my heart when I knew I was going abroad. Another time I abandoned the only relationship I've ever had for a job, my dream job. I still love my job and I am very glad I made that choice.

However I'm afraid I didn't get to learn about relationships when I should have and I'm unable to maintain them. I've had 2 proper relationships and one I prefer to forget. The other lasted about a year (yes, THAT long!) in which half of it we weren't even in the same country. Then, there are the flings, the "get to knows" or whatever people call them. After 3 months it's not really working and I give up. I don't like to fight/conflict and there are too many "incompatibilities" after such a short time, my view is that we should go separate ways.

I know what I'll do to make up for the absence, I'll just focus even more on work. This means that I am considering moving countries again, which then means that trying to get in a relationship would just be the wrong thing to do.

I don't want to be "played" around but will I accept less if it's that or nothing? Who lists a series of compliments and then says "but I think we should slow down and go back to the beginning"? Sometimes I just wonder "what is wrong with me?".

All in all, I miss the company, the sharing... Someone who will hold me tight and keep me safe. I have friends, and they are AMAZING, but the someone special...